Anytime you’re gonna grow, you’re gonna lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity.

– James Hillman


Girl boss

Despite being 25, starting on a tough but hopefully rewarding career, and being a strong, self confident, take-no-shit woman, I do have my insecure days. If something were to pop up that could take advantage of that bad day, I end up doubting myself, my friends and the people I hold dearest. Which I know is less than fair. 

The take-no-shit element becomes a big problem when the self confident element is at a low because I start to get focused on the fact that I might be, unbeknownst to me, taking shit in some way and don’t have the confidence in myself to attribute whatever information into a more rational option. 

I indulged this insecurity at the expense of one of those dear people this week and also let myself down by acting-before-thinking in a way that slightly undermines one of the values I think our relationship is based on. I pushed a point that would have been happier left alone. 

I think we both got resolution but I don’t want to damage something so good for the sake of one dip in my self worth. I could see they were disappointed in me just like I was disappointed in myself. 

I got a self confidence pep talk from a recently made good friend last night. It definitely helped but not as much as just having an honest, open conversation about these things with the doctor. We work well together and the way we deal with potential obstacles tends to lead to us understanding each other a bit more. I’m grateful that we can talk to each other and it reinforces how significant each other’s wellbeing is to us.

So this is the new year…

Every year for the past 10, on some social media I post those words, ‘so this is the new year‘ because every year I don’t feel any different and someone will always comment on it to that effect. Then one of those awkward lyric trains will start that someone will always take too far and a member of my family won’t understand that it’s a lyric from New Year by Deathcab for Cutie and text me saying ‘are you okay?!’ As if I’ve just insinuated I might want to end my days now I’ve reached yet another new year.

This year I do feel different. I’m 25, I’ve got a job I’ve wanted my whole life, I’ve got plans, and commitment that excites me rather than scares me. I’ve subsequently been indulged and cared for by a human as I’ve not experienced before. I’ve got a deeper understanding and appreciation of my family and friends. I’m ready for a dog baby but my life isn’t ready and I’m responsible enough to respect that.

I remember a really good NYE I had in Essex when I was about 16. I had a good group of friends that came with a boyfriend I didn’t like as much as his friends. A couple of them are still a positive part of my little life. I drank a lot of Bourbon and danced to Such Great Heights by Postal Service with these perfect people. I think that’s my favourite NYE party and I expect to be working for all future New Years. If not, I hope they’re all cosy with people I love.  I’ve made some great and some poor choices since I was 16 and partying on NYE but it’s all good baby baby.