There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow men. True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.


life and death row

“to prolong it would just strengthen the bond and when it’s finally time for me to go it’s going to hurt so much more than it is now, you know” This is what Lopez said but it seems more likely he has just got his wish of suicide by the state.

I watched the first series of this about a year ago I think but I’ve always been interested in the way america incarcerates so many of it’s population and it’s use of the death penalty in certain states. Werner Herzog (I love most of his work) made a great documentary series called On Death Row and a film, Into the Abyss, which is really insightful too.

This story is quite unusual because the subject wished to only speed up the process of being executed by the state rather than dragging it out. He refused all appeals “I’m not gonna fight this”. He believes he’ll be with God,  knows he swerved into and killed a police officer which means he’ll never get out. He didn’t want life without parole.

It’s really interesting to hear so many different viewpoints from so many different individuals involved in the case at different times as well. Like the jurors, members of the church, the judge, the cops family and colleagues, his family.

He was laughing during the trial and in this documentary it’s put forward that this is was all in order to ensure he got the death penalty and not life, but I’m sceptical of this. I’m not sure why but I wonder if this is something that’s come since the trial. He takes responsibility for the cops death but did not believe he committed the crime he has been convicted of and has died for.

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I don’t take myself, my life or even really a lot of my work seriously. I think it’s a good thing. I laugh a lot every day, mostly at myself and I take great pleasure from making other people laugh, mostly at me. But I think I might be better at my job if I took it a bit more seriously, and was slightly more professional. I really care about my job and the way I might affect someone’s life and obviously when I’m in public, if the nature of a specific situation is serious and sensitive I behave accordingly. I know everyone has their ways of dealing with people but I don’t want to not take it seriously enough and therefore be bad at it. But at the same time I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself so that I don’t enjoy myself anymore. Perhaps because I’m happy day to day I’ve got it right, but that’s only if it stays that way. I wouldn’t want to risk it all for the sake of a chuckle here and there.

This is the one. This is the one. This is the one



(I robbed this image from a google search.)

But tonight on my drive home from work I was listening to the Biff – Now I’m Everyone and there’s this awesome build up near the end of “this is the one this is the one this is the one this is the one” and I saw a barn owl fly across the road in front of me. I think I might have let out a little high pitched excited noise and everything slowed down for a perfect moment.

When I’m with you, I’m standing with an Army.

I don’t really care for Ellie Goulding’s music at all, but I really like the sentiment of this track.

There have always been people that make me feel this way throughout the years, even on the dark days, and I will always try to keep these people around me. I have pretty tight friends all over the country, no big group but the ones I’ve kept are all in the True ’til Death category.

It helps that I feel this with my close family too. When I’m standing between my brother and my dad, or if they’re in earshot of me I feel like whatever happened next we could deal with it and we could rely on each other… And then make a joke about it.


For example, I get that feeling with Joe, I get it with Lucy’s JC – we understand each other – but I think thats because he really would be one of my go to humans if that Zombie apocalypse actually came to this reality. I could go on but I’d mostly just be listing my good friends.

I’ve also been lucky enough to have scooped up some women who might not appear so in the day-to-day but they’d be tough bitches to crack when it comes down to it. Separate from the physicality because it’s not about that (and one of my all time BFFs is a fragile flower), I think they’re all real fighters and by this I just mean that they’ve got that determination that when the shit hits the fan, they won’t just lie down and take it. I think it’s only something you find out about yourself in those fight or flight, potentially sink or swim moments but I believe in these people. With Ella I think she makes me behave a bit differently because I want to protect her and be tougher but I’ve had that ARMY feeling for the last 23 years with her.

Thinking positively, one of the things that I learnt about myself in training school is that if it came down to having the nerve, the gall or grit or determination, those that know me would say i’m a good bet, but my size and experience level is probably not going to cut it in comparison to some of my peers!

I’ve always thought my instincts are alright when it comes to other human’s vibes. My dad has always said he doesn’t worry about me as much as he could worry about a daughter because he trusts my instincts. Sometimes I lack the confidence to go with my gut but this job is encouraging that. Equally I’m honest with my dad about my fears and trust his judgment more than my own, so him giving someone I get good ideas about the thumbs up is a good thing.

That’s been something I really like about Dr T. I’ve always got the good vibes from him and the people he holds dear. I know he’d rather avoid any sort of conflict, symbolic or tangible, and it’s something I really value about him because I know I can be a bit bullheaded about getting stuck in or stepping up. He’s a good man and I feel like I stand stronger with him on my team.

It’s been interesting to see the people I get this ‘ARMY’ feeling with at work. It’s that sort of environment for a start. But there are some people who are massive, they know the job and they’ve got experience, yet I don’t necessarily feel like we’d be in it together if something went down. There are other’s who I’d get that shoulder-to-shoulder feeling with in a second and actually it’s something I can’t really verbalise or put my finger on.

I know who I can count on despite our differing values or points of view.

I’ve realised I rarely write posts about my non emotional days and my busy-no-time-to-think days. I reckon I blog when I really feel something. Right now it’s longing. And I’ve probably felt it for about 2.5hrs so it could be worse. 
Subsequently, this blog might make me seem like a more emotional or sensitive person than I am. But the other side of me has to be quite cold so it’s probably good to have these moments documented.