Basically, I need to go for a ride 🚴🏼♀️
I feel a lot.
I spent too long listening to the radio, reading reactions to world events and thinking yesterday. I should have buried myself in the past in my book instead.
The fact that the victim’s sexual history and other sexual activities on the night of an incident she has reported has been deemed relevant to the trial of Ched Evans is backwards. I was naively under the impression that we had left this sort of thing behind us. This does not mean he is innocent, he was just found not guilty.
Two 14year olds murdering a family they didn’t like.
Trumps statements about women and the way the world is reacting as if a lot of the men we speak to every day wouldn’t say the exact same things.
The coming days for Mosul.
Refugees in Calais and elsewhere getting told to go back to the risk and damage they have fled.
Everything at work at the moment- awareness around HBV, FGM, the number of knives on the streets.
Lives are built on second chances.
It’s all caught up with me today.
I have belief and hope for tomorrow because of the humans I see and hear close to me. One of my old gauges for how much I thought of a person was that I hoped they’d reproduce to keep the future looking promising. Thoughtful and strong decision makers.
Every day I wish I could make a difference to the lives of those humans who are victimised or stepped on but I am not altruistic enough and I’m too interested in the way my life seems to be heading to sacrifice it for others completely at the moment. Although not selfless, I hope I’m making that tiniest different to the lives I personally come into contact with.
I’ve always found it hard to separate my ideals from reality. But a less gendered society would be a positive step in my eyes and doesn’t feel like it should be too far away.
I love to see an open minded, woman supporting, male role model.
Defeater was churning out of my car speakers today after too long away and found myself tearing up at a few tracks. I wasn’t thinking about the news, I was listening to the poetry.
In years that feel long lost, I felt so much in common with the anger in that music and now it’s the lyrics that strike me and make me thankful for how positive my every day life is.
Defeater tell stories and one of the key themes has been soldiers and the waste of war. This time of year I find myself a bit melancholy. It’s a pattern I can only now see by looking back on the last 5 years.
…A richer dust concealed.
My night shift last night was 13 hours long which is not unusual for some people and it puts my days into some perspective but last night was relentless.
My crew mate and I went to at least 5 fights. One of which led to me sprinting to the assistance of my colleagues and actually being pleased at the speed with which I got there. Everyone was alright.
Another led to me getting bitten, spat at, head butted, my colleagues and I told that our mothers should have drowned us at birth and that he was going to follow us home and ‘fuck you up’. I was bled on by a man saying “help me” and I was bruised and asked out in the foulest ways possible.
The shift seemed to fly by and I slept like a baby today but there’s still one more to go.
As I’ve previously mentioned- it’s just as much the bendy days that make this job. I don’t like getting abused by people but I also like being there when we’re needed.
I remember my old friend telling me that Dallas Green had an album out separate from alexisonfire and feeling slightly guilty for how emotional it all was and how much I enjoyed it.
The guilt soon subsided and in the last few years I’ve slept on City and Colour but I’m back in it now. It all feels so familiar despite having not heard much of it since the first two albums before.
Since writing that incredibly self involved and shallow post about the way my face looks now and again I have been reality checked by my job.
I’m glad to be here and be healthy and be able to do things I love and communicate with people I care about and understand political and ethical debates and read books that teach me something.
In other much more positive news, it’s been a whole year since I started the job that I’d been aiming for during all my years before that.
The confidence I have to do that job and take action on a daily basis is probably the biggest difference between then and now.
All the changes that have come to our line of work I’ve tried to patiently wait out, hoping I still love it and I do, despite the feelings of some of my closest colleagues. My thoughts are almost all positive about the choice I made. That doesn’t mean i don’t get stressed when my decisions are questioned or a preposterous deadline is set.
Currently, I think I’m still at peace with the sacrifice of Christmas, New year and birthdays to do the job I love and to be there when no one else is. And I’m proud that Dr T has a similar mentality and devotion to his work.
I think one key ingredient in the past year has been the rota I was assigned to, the team I became a part of. They’re golden.
This week I’m just starting to feel the niggle of work/life balance with a team that feels like a family and a vital part of my life a few hours away, following a different pattern.
It’ll work. As always I’m striving to find the right balance, trying to make the most of the quality time with the ones I love whilst trying to stay healthy.
In both cases though, I’m in it for the long haul and I look forward to the dog days with my love just as much as the magical with him.
I welcome the relatively slow time days at work along with the absolutely batshit bendy days… but it’s the bendy days that make it exciting. 🚨