I’d felt a little off since people have been killing each other more frequently under my nose, the country had another big choice to make, an important part of my job began to feel mundane and catastrophe struck in the form of a fire. 
Then things felt a little better but I hadn’t quite shaken off that heavy cloak yet. I was talking but without really knowing what to say. 
Things felt off for a couple more days.
Maybe like I wasn’t playing my part or not letting other play theirs, trying too hard, or like I’m forgetting that someone I can’t help seeing as divine, is actually encouragingly human. Or maybe like we’re all still learning, together and individually, collectively and alone. Like I wasn’t listening hard enough. Like everyone, I wanted to be doing more, helping more, in the big scale and the small. 

Whether things are on the edge of working out how they were planned or there’s still a way to go, it can feel like the beam is pretty thin. 

Then I had a short nap on a chest I know well and we had a swim. It wasn’t really a swim, it was a dip in the sea off the boat. But everything felt like it came back together again after that. 
I’ll go to the gym and row tomorrow and it won’t be anywhere near as much fun as having a (somewhat) devoted teacher demonstrating next to me. 
And now I’m here, having worked a tiringly unexciting day, trying to consolidate restoring the balance, reading about inspiration and looking forward to the next few weeks, grateful. 


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