Writing more on my sister blog about work has made this one feel more personal and close.
It’s been nearly two years and this is the first time I’ve stopped to take a photo of my favourite headstone.
Take me somewhere the summer never ends,
And we count the seasons by the corners of your bed.
Today the dog sleeps in and we dress ourselves in blankets once again.
‘Cause there’s a list of plans that I’ve been meaning to make
But every day is just a promise that I’ll break,
So fold your maps until the miles can’t take me away again, me away again.
Come close, come close
I’ve paid my debts to distance,
And earned my share of home.
Sing slow, sing slow
So if I’m gone before the morning’s set aglow
You’re not alone.
My thoughts on a lot of things have changed in the past few years and I like to think I’m open to new challenges to my ideas.
I started to write a blog post about some key life plans, or my thoughts on the expected, when I first set this up but it never got published.
When I met Tom he said my mind would probably change on a few particular things and I’ve been swinging around on the idea of creating new humans. I’ve not done a full 180 but it now sits in the positive side of the plan; the ‘would like to’.
I’m still open minded about everything but I think some recent good experiences, real positive feelings about another human being who thinks I’m alright, learning to be more empathetic with children and some growing I’ve done is making me want things ‘at some point’ rather than simply not being bothered or as I have been in the past, being adamantly in the negative.
Maybe it’s chemistry.
I’ve just started to see how whatever it is you want to do or try or engage with, you can probably work it out. You can do it the way you want to and the way it works with your other plans and your other everyday needs and adventures.
I used try to look really critically at something if it was “the normal thing to do” in certain societies (drinking alcohol / eating meat/ having babies/ conforming to gender binaries.)
I still do look critically but it used to make me want to abstain (with reasons) from a lot of things and now I feel it makes me more cynical and possibly more careful but I’m realising just because it’s the followed norm doesn’t mean it’s wrong, but it also doesn’t mean you can’t bend what’s expected to make it fit you if it’s what you think is right.
Rather than excluding myself from these traditions I’ve realised I can engage with them and change them to try to make it work for me even if it’s not conventional.
The reasons for not partaking in this particular norm aren’t going to go away just as the reasons not to eat animals or animal products still exist and still make me feel fucking awful.
I’ve got some rose tinted glasses on this evening so bare with me – but I used to be the person at any gathering guaranteed not to be near children but near animals and adults. Today, unexpectedly (and I should add, not universally: there were two great kids there & some mediocre & some less than ideal who I had very little time for- I’m no martyr) I found myself being that person at a party who takes responsibility for someone else’s kid and effectively entertained that tiny person for a whole afternoon.
Maybe it’s something I could do, little George made me look forward to a time anyway. 😳
What the Water Gave Me 1938
I’ve been reading about Frida Kahlo again and it’s helping me to see more in her artwork than my usual shallow interpretation of them portraying pain related to her chronic injuries after the accident or even the slightly more nuanced concerns she had around gender and expectations.
The interconnectivity of this piece means a lot more the more I read about her nationalism and communism. “I wish to cooperate with the Revolution in transforming the world into a class-less one so that we can attain a better rhythm for the oppressed classes”.
Although in the above there are clear links to her injuries, her difficult relationship, to her infertility; there are also references to her rebellion, her need to unite everything and everyone just as she felt “only a cell in the complex revolutionary mechanism of the peoples for peace in the new nations, Soviets — Chinese — Czechoslovakians — Poles — united in blood to me. And to the Mexican Indian”.
As much as I have my own issues with capitalism / fascism, I’m trying to plot Frida’s ideals in the context of her time and her country. I’m also trying to marry it with the apparent failings in attempted communist communities since.
I need to read more about the roots and values of some core political theories again. University feels so long ago. Frustratingly, I appear to remember the script to Lion King or where bad people hide things they don’t want me to find, more so than I do the crucial and current struggles between and within communities, their governments and neighbouring countries and the history informing them. I mentioned to T about trying to learn about Gaza and how I got to grips with it enough that I could explain it to someone else one weekend and by the next I need to brush up.
I think my main feeing having read more and looked at more of Frida’s art is the way she relates her personal experience (specifically female experience) to the universal, political and the communal. Commenting that she was painting her own reality (sorry for the overuse but it is a useful quote) she manages to reference the exploitation of whole countries in the past and present at the same time as her own exploitation or the exploitation of women in general and the narrow forms women were (are) supposed to take. She opened up so that more was visible than had ever been of women and their experience.
More than that she was a woman and she was hindered by illness and injury. The fact that we know her name and her face feels important. The fact we know her beliefs and values in regards to her country and the world as a global community is impressive and I love seeing her distinctive face.
I haven’t edited this and hopefully it’s not too tired and waffley but sometimes it helps to write down my disjointed thoughts. 💭
Hero. Sundaze. Puss.
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