rsbrf

I had a bad day at work, got home and immediately looked at government jobs. I don’t think I used to do this.

It’s tricky working out what it is that makes something feel like the right thing for you. There are so many components.

I used to think there wasn’t anything else I’d want to do and that I was a bit of a natural. Mentally if not physically.

But I don’t know if I naturally fit in this part of this organisation. Or if the slight differences to what I knew so well and the time away have meant it’s just not for me. Or if it’s just this particular thing at this particular time.

The ridiculous thing is that it wasn’t even that bad a day. I’ve come home. I’m not injured. No one else is injured.

We had to fight a bit. We had to negotiate a bit and it didn’t work. I tried to use one of my options and that didn’t work. Probably due to user error so that made me feel like an incompetent child.

But I did the right thing, asked for some help to come, my colleague and I were on the same page in our approach, giving chances, trying to coax some sense out, managing the dynamics of a situation that ultimately were always going to be too much for just us two.

I think it feels like a bad day because I felt like I gave it quite a lot and it didn’t seem like enough.

I felt tested physically and mentally and it could have been so different. It could have been so much worse.

I also had a feeling that’s grown over the last 10 years. Feel connected to things I don’t want to lose. Worrying about the safety of me and more than me. It’ll probably only continue to grow and instruct my decisions, make me more cautious.

But maybe I don’t want to be at risk like that all the time? It’d be nice if there was a future where I could get the fulfilment without having to put myself on the line.

On top of these thoughts is the responsibility I feel for these people when I think I’ve done all I can and followed the policy. But I’ve still ruined their day, maybe their year. Maybe pushed them further away from getting back some balance. Trying to do the right thing but it all blowing up and then feeling even more trapped than they did before.

I can only control what I can control.

The reality is also that these things don’t happen that often. And I don’t think that much about the countless interactions I have that end as well as they possibly could have in the circumstances. The times I’ve cooled an encounter that was getting out of hand or the times I’ve been able to get someone to talk to me more than they would have if I was someone else. All the times I’m more thorough or more kind to the people we meet. They don’t stick out. Maybe that’s how it should be.

I think there is a place for me but this current city climate I find myself in doesn’t feel like it’s it.

All that being said, it’s only been 7 months. So I’ll just get my head down and work for things to fall into place eventually.

Maybe I should take my gaze out of my navel.

🦧