Book 11 was passed to me by a sensitive friend from work.

I’m excited to learn about H. H. Holmes in what feels so much like a novel. I should know more about the history of the world and not just the UK. I suppose I’m not proficient enough in that to feel like I can move onto something else. I’m trying though. For America I learnt a little bit and was spurred to research sometimes by The West Wing, but I’m starting now with this serial killer and some magic.

Leo DiCaprio bought the film rights a while ago so that’s something to look forward to.

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But I can’t move the mountains for you.

It turns out when I’m thinking out loud critically about certain things I can come across as quite negative and am simply not eloquent. Writing things down is easier.

My mum sent me this text “weddings are lovely aren’t they”. Yes they are, but they’re also interesting and thought provoking.

I like the idea of the meaning of something being what you make it for yourselves not what it might have always meant to others.

One thing I’ve been thinking positively about, if it suited, that I’d want for ourselves and those I care about, is the idea of an outward demonstration of one persons devotion to another. For example, a ring on a specific finger and a celebration with those people who are important. The more personally significant side of ‘marriage’ I also understand when I think about the sort of animals we are and the bonds we can form with another likeminded human being, and the dependance of children for so long etc. Ive concluded that all makes sense.

So i think this particular social construct has an obvious role separate from simple tradition but there is a still lot wrapped up in it, both on the surface and more surreptitious.

More significantly, thinking around the choice to do this ended up with tears at a specific situation. The magnitude of something getting in the way of this part of your life when you and your love have decided it’s right, having not simply followed the expectations of society, and then the extrapolated fear of what else this something might get in the way of.

I’m not sure about the legality prescribed to the construct, especially around children. I worry that people might have lived their lives the way that was right for them, disregarding the patterns and expectations because they don’t necessarily need that piece of paper to be wholly invested in their life together, but then might be told they need that paper due to developments out of their hands and their need to secure their family’s future.

I want to be able to fix everything. I wish our tears would change something for the better, take it away. I want there to be 3 wishes. None would be wasted but hopefully a few less people would be hurt.

EF

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📦

Writing more on my sister blog about work has made this one feel more personal and close.

It’s been nearly two years and this is the first time I’ve stopped to take a photo of my favourite headstone.

Take me somewhere the summer never ends,

And we count the seasons by the corners of your bed.

Today the dog sleeps in and we dress ourselves in blankets once again.

‘Cause there’s a list of plans that I’ve been meaning to make

But every day is just a promise that I’ll break,

So fold your maps until the miles can’t take me away again, me away again.

Come close, come close

I’ve paid my debts to distance,

And earned my share of home.

Sing slow, sing slow

So if I’m gone before the morning’s set aglow

You’re not alone.

My thoughts on a lot of things have changed in the past few years and I like to think I’m open to new challenges to my ideas.

I started to write a blog post about some key life plans, or my thoughts on the expected, when I first set this up but it never got published.

When I met Tom he said my mind would probably change on a few particular things and I’ve been swinging around on the idea of creating new humans. I’ve not done a full 180 but it now sits in the positive side of the plan; the ‘would like to’.

I’m still open minded about everything but I think some recent good experiences, real positive feelings about another human being who thinks I’m alright, learning to be more empathetic with children and some growing I’ve done is making me want things ‘at some point’ rather than simply not being bothered or as I have been in the past, being adamantly in the negative.

Maybe it’s chemistry.

I’ve just started to see how whatever it is you want to do or try or engage with, you can probably work it out. You can do it the way you want to and the way it works with your other plans and your other everyday needs and adventures.

I used try to look really critically at something if it was “the normal thing to do” in certain societies (drinking alcohol / eating meat/ having babies/ conforming to gender binaries.)

I still do look critically but it used to make me want to abstain (with reasons) from a lot of things and now I feel it makes me more cynical and possibly more careful but I’m realising just because it’s the followed norm doesn’t mean it’s wrong, but it also doesn’t mean you can’t bend what’s expected to make it fit you if it’s what you think is right.

Rather than excluding myself from these traditions I’ve realised I can engage with them and change them to try to make it work for me even if it’s not conventional.

The reasons for not partaking in this particular norm aren’t going to go away just as the reasons not to eat animals or animal products still exist and still make me feel fucking awful.

I’ve got some rose tinted glasses on this evening so bare with me – but I used to be the person at any gathering guaranteed not to be near children but near animals and adults. Today, unexpectedly (and I should add, not universally: there were two great kids there & some mediocre & some less than ideal who I had very little time for- I’m no martyr) I found myself being that person at a party who takes responsibility for someone else’s kid and effectively entertained that tiny person for a whole afternoon.

Maybe it’s something I could do, little George made me look forward to a time anyway. 😳